Vikings? I'll Show You Scary!

The kids had their school play today and Jacob played the part of Pinocchio. This was his mask....



This is wrong on so many levels. It combines many of my fears - clowns, precocious children, toys of many types (but especially puppets) and bizarrely, Betty Boop.

Luckily, the teacher decided that he wouldn't be heard properly if he wore it so he was spared. Just as well - I'd probably have had to fuck him out.....

Best. Video.Ever

I saw this on television last night and I am sure you youtube addicts have seen it before but this is just brilliant. Brilliant and scary.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=_1nzEFMjkI4

(I could not be arsed trying to work out how to embed the video, will try and work it out later).

He looks like something from The 13th Warrior.

Then I went to get my hair cut today and there was a new guy there. He was like a mini-viking with a shaved head and he had a bandoleer of scissors. Looked like this guy:






Thing was he just stood behind me, while the girl cut my hair and stared at me. For 30 minutes. Scared the bejesus out of me. Vikings rock.

Monkey News

Breaking news from Sky.
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20081215/twl-chimp-takes-revenge-on-visitors-3fd0ae9.html

Keep the apes seperated I say. If they congregate, the reckoning will begin.....

God bless us all

Bush Dodges Shoes Of Mass Destruction!

Hahahahaha! Some Iraqi journalist lashed his shoes at Bush during his farewell visit to Iraq today. Have a look -



The best part was the insult he hurled along with the shoes - "This is a farewell kiss, Dog!"

Poor fucker is probably being fed his own bollox as we speak. Bet it was worth it though.

It is what it is

I am lobbying for the phrase "it is what it is" to be permanently excised from the vernacular. Are you with me?

I can't STAND it. I don't know whether it's the almost but not quite palindromic structure or the sentiment of resignation/abdication it represents or the fact that it is a synonym for "stop talking about this and don't ever bring it up again". Or maybe it's just puritanical snobbery about the language (as in of course it is what it is, it's not as if it could be what it's not, arghh now my brain hurts).

And don't get me started on "let's put a pin in that and come back to it", otherwise known as "stop talking about this and don't ever bring it up again".

Ok I feel a bit better now.

Satellite Aggravation

To pick up where I probably left off on the old blog, I just wanted to shout and rant about things that make me shout at the radio while I am driving. Marian Keyes advertising Kodak or some other film which I am now never going to buy. Some fucker called Rory from Elephant Self Storage who apparently knows that everyone is short of storage space these days (Who is that fucked for storage? Maybe it is to house all the regrets people have for overstretching themselves in the good times). But the one add that has made me stop the car and text into the radio show concerned (you know who you are Tom Dunne) is the add for Garmin Sat Navigator, where this one with a fake American accent sings about all the benefits of the new Garmin sat nav.

Now I am agin sat navs at the best of times. Who needs to know the way home from somewhere. You drove to where you are how could you not know. What happened to reading maps before you set-off to know which general direction you want to go in but I understand some people can be geographically challenged in this regard (you know who you are Stephen). This new model though apparently has lane assist to tell you which lane you should be in! Fuck off. If it is not a single carriageway, then a road has plenty of warning signs for your exit, even in Ireland. Driving on the continent is even less trouble as sign posting on motorways is very good. No, now we are going to have all the cretins, who find a simple roundabout challenging unless every lane has arrows telling you where you should be going (obviously the rules of the road passed these fuckers by), swerving from lane to lane as their lane assists starts barking orders at them from the dashboard.

And there is more. This new thingy has monuments of interest in 3D apparently. So what? a full scale hologram of Cashel Rock is going to appear in your passenger seat when you get in range and scare the living shit out of you? Or else it will make people start looking about for the monument, taking their already limited focus from the road.

All of these extras though are just the icing on my cake of bile, which rises every time I hear that bint singing about Garmin.com, Garmin.com, Garmin.com. The only sat nav I will ever need is the one that is going to direct me to her house so I can get her.

I am also annoyed that Tom Dunne persists in playing the ad during his programme despite my pleas to desist. Something Happens? Nothing happens more like Mr Dunne.

By Popular Demand

Well, it looks like we're back in action lads and I must say it's good to be back! I've really missed blogging and only realised exactly how much last night when I stumbled upon the early incarnation of Bolloxology. I missed the wit, the sarcasm, the terror of winged-nun-monkey-clowns but most of all I missed the rage....

And so there I'll begin. I had intended reminiscing over old times; summarising our experiences and looking forward to a new start here at the Five Lamps. Ten minutes ago all that changed. All Summer Long came on the tv.

Let's make no mistake here - Kid Rock is an utter, utter cunt. I really fucking hate him. He's a redneck, trailer trash, good ole boy, hillbilly, fuckcheese fool!

Spot the difference.

Let's have a look at some of the lyrics....

It's the simple things in life, like when and where
We didn't have no Internet
But Man I never will forget
The way the moonlight shined upon her hair.

What the fuck has the Internet and not having it got to do with moonlight shining on someone's fucking hair? I bet Kid Cletus Rock can't even read so what does he want the Internet for anyway? Well, maybe porn but you get the point.

Then we move onto

"Now nothing seems as strange as
When the leaves begin to change"

What? The arrival of autumn is somehow strange to this cunt? I could understand it if he was to say "now nothing seems as strange as finding a possum with two tails or me quoting Shaw".

The bit I hate the most though is, "sipping whiskey out the bottle". We all take occasional liberties with language but leaving words out to make your fucking stupid, plagiarised, rubbish, shit song more 'catchy' is just plain wrong.

I could go on but I won't labour the point. I posted briefly before about this on Colum's blog and I think I mentioned that I had read a comment that described the song as 'a new musical form of cancer'. How I laughed and oh, how fucking true.

Kid Rock - you sir, are a cunt.

I feel so much better now. Reminiscing can wait - this is what a blog is for.