A Beer For Our Times.

There's not much to talk about these days that isn't rage-inducing or crashingly depressing so how about some light That's Life-esque relief?

I came across this article today - a German brewery has won the right from the European Trademarks Office to register a new beer under the name "Fucking Hell".

Apparently, "hell" is the German for a "light beer" and Fucking is a little village near Salzburg. The Trademarks Office originally rejected their application on the grounds that it “used sexuality in order to express contempt and violent anger” but the Appeals Board overturned the decision as although

"Hell is in Christian terms, the place of highest torment . . . can it be considered as reprehensible to use existing place names in a targeted manner (as a reference to the place), merely because this may have an ambiguous meaning in other languages.

“The word combination contains no semantic indication that could refer to a certain person or group of persons... [ ] Nor does it incite a particular act. It cannot even be understood as an instruction that the reader should go to hell. The meaning assumed by the examiner is, overall, an interjection used to express a deprecation, but it does not indicate against whom the deprecation is directed.”

 Whatever of our tax that's left over from paying for the Anglo-Irish actually goes to fund shite like this...

Anyway, the residents of Fucking are going (fucking?) mental as tour buses full of fools - who really must have fuck all to do on their holidays - already plague them all summer long and they feel that this beer nonsense is only going to bring more unwanted visitors. Also

So many signs have been stolen over the years that the village held a vote in 2004 on whether to change its ancient name. But the residents voted against the motion. "Twelve or 13 town signs have been stolen. We've taken to fixing them with concrete, welding and rivets," said the mayor of Fucking, Franz Meindl.

And now over to Doc Cox who's going to show you some bollock-shaped vegetables....

Horrible Little Cunt!

I'm the first one to admit that I know fuck all about soccer-ball and from what I hear, he's apparently a pretty decent player but can anyone deny that Wayne Rooney is a horrible little cunt? I saw this picture and was moved to words. It's probably stating the obvious but I think it needed to be said nonetheless. It really bothers me that he's only twenty-five and he's already written - well, had published let's say - an autobiography which was actually released when he was fucking twenty-one! What the fuck, besides a few matches, does he or any twenty-one year old for that matter, have to write about?

Horrible little cunt......

just testing

Gentlemen.
I got one of those new fangled iphones today. So far I am unable to use internet on it, all of my previous text messages have dissapeared and typing in text requires the delicate hand of louis XIV. There is a compass on it however.

The Deadliest Warrior

I decided that I wanted to start blogging again after reading about the fucking shambles that is Anglo-Irish/Mary Harney continuing as Minister for Health/Ireland. Then I decided that there are already lots of people posting and writing about these topics and that it's only bollox anyway. At this stage, nothing short of an armed uprising is going to save the country.

Anyway, enough of that. What I'm going to write about instead, is my new all-time favourite TV show (Marc's jury is still out but I bet Paul loves it too) - The Deadliest Warrior! It's utterly, utterly ridiculous but one of the most entertaining things I've seen in years. All those drunken pub arguments are finally laid to rest. The basic idea is that two historical warrior types are pitted agin each other in a hypothetical battle to the death. Each "side" has it's own experts who put forward the case as to why their warrior would knock the bollox out of the other and then the resident boffins crunch the numbers in some made-up computer program (it looks like a spreadsheet actually) to see who'd win.

The best parts are when the experts demonstrate the different weapons on these mannequins made from ballistics gel, bones and gunk representing brains, blood, guts etc. and then slag off the opposing side. Last night's episode was A Pirate vs. A Knight. One of the guys SMASHED a morning-star into the dummy's head completely obliterating it's skull.......


Knight Expert - Awwwww dude, you are GOIN' DOWN! Your brains are gonna be stuck in your beard n'shit. You ain't gettin up from this man. Like, no way.

Pirate Expert - Yeah? I'm just gonna step aside when you swing that thing then shoot you in the balls with my blunderbuss!

It's fucking hilarious. One of the things I really love about it is the unadulterated joy they exhibit when something particulary nasty and violent happens. Again, last night's episode showed the effects of the Pirate's Granada (a bit like an 18th century nail bomb) on a pile of pig carcasses. It exploded and tore fucking lumps out of the pork. The lads could barely contain themselves with the whooping and hollering. I just know that I'd be the same....

Quality tv it's not but it's still a fantastic concept. It's just so unbelievably tacky. This is the ad for the current second season. Any ideas? Yes - you've guessed it! A Viet Cong vs. A Nazi SS Officer! What a fucking brilliant idea! Some of the upcoming battles are between types - Saxons vs Trojans, Persian Immortals vs. Aztecs - and then actual historical figures - Robert E. Lee vs. Pancho Villa, Genghis Khan vs. Attila the Hun (I'm actually laughing here). anyone any ideas of who they'd like to see? Me, I'd go for Charlie Haughey vs. Galileo. I just fucking bet that Charlie would be an eye-gouging, ear-biting, cheek-hooking King of the Travellers type fighter and he'd have that telescope up that guinea fucker's arse before you could say Moriarty!

Re-start

After much drunken discussion at the recent Horslips gig (which was fucking deadly, review to follow from someone else) I am kick starting the blog. As I have nothing, or more correctly can't choose, what to give out about, I am going to link to a good video.

Dropping a Nipper

I have since heard they are thinking about banning this ritual so I am off to India for the next one before they stop it. I wonder does anyone open a book on high they bounce?

The defenition of oleaginous...

Shows a picture of Gerry Ryan. The fat unctuous prick annoys me no end and for a long time I have said (ranted and raged really) that one reason I really hate having to pay a license fee is because some of that money goes into that foetid fucks pocket.

Now it appears RTE agree with me.

Sack the Fucker

I sincerely hope he doesn't take a pay cut because then they will be forced to sack him. If they don't I am not paying my license next time and I will see them all in court.

Also that skinny, no talent fucker Tubridy. Oh I have a special type of hatred for him. When I start feeling good about the world or catch myself whistling a happy tune, I just turn the radio or TV to his show and I can just feel the vitriol coursing through my body, just like Christophe Lambert in "Highlander". The smarmy little shit (Tubridy not Lambert, there can be only one) said initially he couldn't take a pay cut because of "legal reasons" but suddenly the other day these legal reasons disappeared. Gerry Ryan probably ate them.

Interesting Times

I came across a few interesting stories in the Irish Times this week. The first is about banks, but not how fucked they are financially. No it is about how they are fucked up in ways they might (or might not) give out mortgages.

Watch what you do online

This is a load of bollocks. If someone has some spare cash they are entitled to do what they want with it once they have enough to cover their mortgage. What not ask if someone has an expensive hobby, drinks a lot at the weekend or likes to snort back street cocaine. My spare cash is my spare cash so fuck off and don't tell me what I can spend it on. I remember when I was applying for my mortgage, my broker asked me if I smoked. When I said I did he tsked. I asked him would it affect my life insurance and he said no, that it was more a case of the cost and what effect it would have on my disposable income. Fuck right off you chancing fuckers. If you had been as circumspect about who you gave out billion euro loans to then maybe you wouldn't be crawling to the government now looking for handouts from them. Remember they get they money to bail you out from the taxes paid by the poor saps who enjoy themselves by logging on for a few hands of Texas Hold 'Em (as I am doing now as I write this).

The next story is a similar case of a financial institution against the little (or not so in this case) person. In this instance I am firmly in the camp of the Insurance Company.

Fat Bint Crys Foul

Now if you go for Life Assurance you have to be medically certified. Your policy would be loaded if you had diabetes, if you smoked, if you had some genetic disease or even if you had a family history of certain illnesses (heart problems and so on). Now obesity is not hereditary, nor is it a disease. You just can't stop stuffing your face with pies. "Oh no I have a glandular problem". No you fucking don't, unless the glands in question are baked in a far too rich and fatty sauce (mmmm sweetmeats). If you are obese your life expectancy is reduced and you are also prone to other ailments such as adult onset diabetes, heart disease and chronic whining that it is all someone else's fault.

I smoke and I know it is not good for me and I know it impacts on me in such instances as above. So if you fancy your cakes and coke (diet of course) then be prepared to cough up when paying your assurance premium and stop acting like a fucking victim.